i figured a day like this might come.

much like how i figured after a while that i cannot beat genetic determinism despite the childish dream of being able to grow till i'm taller than my brother.

its a creeping kind of suspicion. one that you try to deny but the empirical evidence doesn't need to work very hard to change your mind.

right now i think i'm consigned to really cannot be bothered about the specific day i "officially" become older by 365 days. cannot be bothered to the extent that anyone who bothers too much will annoy me.

very odd.

started i guess when a few years ago i figured that if none of my family except my mother and one sister remembers my birthday, it will be awesome to have the entire cake to myself. to my disappointment others literally found me sitting with the cake and decided i needed some company and some company to share in my eating of a cake.

today i honestly don't mind if u want to eat my cake or relevant baked or bought goods.

i just want to sleep till i'm well rested then spring clean till i've space to function, then function till my responsibilities are taken care of then waste some time thinking about how wonderful life is.

i think thats what i would like from a birthday. the feeling of blessedness washing over me. and to get there. i need to first get rid of everything that is obstructing that view. i want not ignorance, but space. i want not escape from, but remodeling of space. i want not a selfish space, but one that can once again be roomy enough to let others in again.

until i get there. this is something i need to sort out by myself. like how no one should pack your room but yourself.

do not disturb.